Thursday, 7 June 2018

Glass Houses & Heartbroken Basements

Spending my time
to not be afraid
of this glass house
the fragile floors
that can plunge you
to the dark basement.

How can the light not penetrate it?

The first step
takes months,
to check for the cracks,
to make sure I won't
cave in,
to stop being afraid.

Is bravery not doing the things that scare you?

All the while
I haven't noticed
you have one foot
out the door.
The glass floor
scares you too.

How do you know what is worth fighting for?

I could run away, like you,
but I'm tired.
Tired of glass houses.
Tired of their doors.
Tired of their heartbroken basements.
Tired of running.

Isn't every choice a leap of faith?

I have the scars to prove
that glass houses
cut deep.
And the memories to show
the beauty of the sun shining through
surrounding you in its warmth.

Do the rewards not outweigh the risks?

The choice is always the same.
Take the risk.
Or go.
Go and find another risk to take.
Every time the same.
Just another glass house.

Does the cycle ever end?




Monday, 26 March 2018

A 5 Minute Panic Attack

Pushing the walls with all my strength,
trying to break free from within my head.
Tight spaces help with loneliness.
They seem less empty.

But the room can be full
of people I can never reach;
because my prison is my mind.
Locking away the pain
sealed away my heart as well.

The touch I can not feel,
the music turns to screams
Reaching out requires strength
but all my power goes to holding tight
to the last hints of sanity.

Keep breathing.
Count to ten.
And again...

Till the tears are gone
Till the pain fades
Till the fear is just a memory
of lives past and lovers lost.
Till the moment
silence is broken
laughter is heard again
and the music returns once more.


This poem is part of a break up poem series I wrote in 2017 about some past relationships of mine. It took me a while to look back at them and be able to read and edit without being upset about what happened, but I am in a much better place now and it's all been for the best.

The others in the series
Letting Go Of You
Crystal Heart
Repeated Experiments




Letting Go Of You

I've been out smoking
singing the swansong
of our love.

My tears have drenched the wooden floor
and I've got nowhere left to go.

Down the river
twinkling lights
drown out the stars.

Sat on this bridge of love
I threw away the key
and the lock at the same time.

I'm counting the breaths
you took last night
before melting away.

As the smoke keeps rising up
I know this river can't go back.

Out of choices.
Out of luck.
Walking on.
Moving on.
Holding on.


This poem is part of a break up poem series I wrote in 2017 about some past relationships of mine. It took me a while to look back at them and be able to read and edit without being upset about what happened, but I am in a much better place now and it's all been for the best.

Also this specific poem was written in Paris on the Pont des Arts bridge, which is the bridge where loves used to put locks with their initials, before they were all removed for weighing down the bridge.


The others in the series
A 5 Minute Panic Attack



Crystal Heart

Life on autopilot isn't fun.
It's a struggle
keeping everything together
but I'm afraid
of the consequences
if I don't.

Holding the pieces
of a broken vase
in place,
too afraid to sleep
in case they fall apart,
having no time for dreaming
when reality starts slipping through the cracks.

So moving on is the only option
if the scenery is ever going to change.
Different city, same emotions.

A barely beating crystal heart
trying to outrace time
and reach a place
when pain is gone.


This poem is part of a break up poem series I wrote in 2017 about some past relationships of mine. It took me a while to look back at them and be able to read and edit without being upset about what happened, but I am in a much better place now and it's all been for the best.

The others in the series
A 5 Minute Panic Attack




Repeated Experiments

Science requires proof.
Repeated results equal
successful experiments.
'To try again the same things and expect different results'
= The definition of madness.

But what is love if not madness?
Time after time
looking for it
searching
trying
caring
getting broken
just a little but more each round.
Yet still trying.
A neverending quest
for the grail that won't give life
but a single moment
of pure happiness.

While all my data details the failures
faith births hope
like a fly hitting the glass without giving up.
Wishing for conclusion,
tired of the lab that is our lives,
I have no answers.

Just proof.

That pain is real,
that hearts can break
and break again
and break again
and every time we put them back together
and say that's not enough
that the capacity for breaking
is infinite
and all the pain
is proof we still can feel.



This poem is part of a break up poem series I wrote in 2017 about some past relationships of mine. It took me a while to look back at them and be able to read and edit without being upset about what happened, but I am in a much better place now and it's all been for the best.

The others in the series
A 5 Minute Panic Attack






Tuesday, 31 October 2017

I Don't Know How To Ask My Loved Ones For Help With My Depression

I have been on antidepressants for five months now and I have been trying to manage my depression and panic attacks as best as I can but I still don't know how to ask for help when I feel like I need it.

To be clear, I don't mean that I don't know how to talk to my doctor about it. I have been seeing a psychologist for the past few weeks and we've been discussing how I've been feeling, what has been upsetting me and why I perceive certain situations in specific ways.


My problem is that outside that context I am finding it extremely hard to talk about how I'm feeling with my friends and loved ones, even when I need help. I have no problem telling people that I'm on medication and do not feel ashamed about being depressed because I am trying to get better and learn how to manage it.

However, I am also aware that a lot of the time I really need a hug and I need to be around people I trust, sometimes constantly, in order to feel safe. If for any reason I find myself unable to do that on a regular basis I end up getting panic attacks, hyperventilating, shaking and crying uncontrollably without being able to explain why this is happening or being able to stop it.

When people ask me if I'm ok or want to know what's wrong, I find myself unable to give a satisfying answer, because nothing specific has happened, but my brain has decided that I need to be a wreck now and my body is going along with it and all I can tell for sure is that I need someone to hold me until it's over.


And that's the hard part (as if the actual panic attacks were not hard enough on their own). I don't know how to call someone and say 'can you please come and hold me for an indefinite amount of time because I can't stop crying and I don't want to be alone?' Especially since I am fully aware that this is not a one time thing, rather it's an ongoing issue I've been facing for years.

What makes me literally paralysed with fear is that I know that the real question is not if someone can come do that once, but if they'd be willing to come do that forever because I can not handle my own emotions. And the fact that I believe the answer will be no. 

I have convinced myself that nobody would ever care about me enough to say yes and, even if they did, how can I ask someone for something like that?


I have put myself in a situation where my greatest fear is being alone, but I am so afraid of being left alone that I am unable to ask people to be around me, in case they say no and then I end up alone. While I can see how that leaves me being alone anyway, I don't know how to escape this vicious circle as all I can do when all these feelings come up is curl up in a ball and stay still, utterly paralysed and unable to ask for help.

What makes everything worse is that if anyone asks if they can help me with something, I will lie and say I don't need anything and pretend I'm fine so they don't worry and they leave me alone.


To be honest I am not even sure why I wrote all this, maybe it's my way to make sense of how I'm feeling.

Maybe, though, if more people read this they can do their best to tell their loved ones who suffer from mental illnesses how much they love them and that they are going to be there to hold them forever if that's what they need.

I'm not sure if I'll ever find the courage to ask my loved ones for that, but I really wish I could.


Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Observations Of A 27 Year Old Woman

How am I even 27? While I fully expected to be a real adult by this point, I have to say that I have not felt like one yet and I am starting to think that this may all be a conspiracy by people who want me to be more responsible. Honestly, I try my best, but most of the time it's much more fun to be a little crazy.


In any case, I believe that in all these years I have learnt some valuable life lessons that I wanted to share with you.

1. When it comes to sex and working out, if you haven’t done something in 3 years it’s probably going to hurt. However, the more you do it the better and honestly sex is so much better than a workout anyway.

2. Periods are nature’s way to punish you for not having babies. That’s why they feel like someone kicked you very hard in the ovaries. Nature did... with a baby sized foot. Go away stupid period!

3. You may think that you can still go out, drink and have amazing sex but you’ll probably go home and fall asleep in your clothes and wake up with a headache while your friends will be laughing at all the stupid things you did the night before.



4. It's ok to be scared when other people start having kids and tell you you'll be next. In a way, children are just like a sexually transmitted disease and you don't see anyone looking forward to getting an STD.

5. Asking 'where do you think ducks sleep?' can definitely kill any romantic mood during a date. On that note, if you're consciously trying to kill the mood, you should probably accept that there isn't much chemistry there.

6. If you usually do stupid things when you drink, it may be better to go drinking alone so that you don't have to apologise to everyone you know the next morning.


7. Any posts on social media after a significant amount of alcohol should be deleted the next morning and forgotten forever.

8. You can not control if someone gets an erection when you kiss them and there is no way to actually kiss someone you really like and make sure they don't get one. Each person's body reacts differently.

9. If a guy expects to be a king by your side, he should start by treating you like a queen first.



10. If you watch Sex & The City and can think of a guy like that whom you've dated in every single episode, then well done you. We should start a club and we can name it something cool that I haven't thought of yet.

11. A guy who breaks up with you thinking there is a queue of women waiting for him out there will get the shock of his life when he sees the queue of men waiting out there for you. And he totally deserves that.

12. Your main priority in life is to make yourself happy. Once you are happy your positive energy will attract the best people around you.



13. Sometimes people in the street do judge what you are wearing. But there is no such thing as bad publicity. If someone takes a photo of you offer them an autograph and enjoy the confused look on their face.

14. You need to learn how to say no and be ok with that. If you don't want to go out just because you don't feel like it you shouldn't need to make up an excuse because your feelings are just as valid as any other reason.

15. Nobody has everything under control. While most of us have practiced how to look like we got it together and are good at the whole adulting business, everyone still has things to learn. It seems that being an adult is accepting that you'll never stop learning, growing and changing. And that's ok.


So here's my two cents (or 15) in this discussion. If I ever discover how to be a proper adult I will let you know but for now if anyone knows where to hand in my adult card and go back to sleep just leave a comment below.

Lots of love,
Kristine